Lazer Pee

I'll give you a few scenarios guys, then you tell me if you can relate.....

1. Its Tuesday morning, 9:47 a.m. and you just showed up for your job interview at Workforthemaninacubicleyourwholelife Incorporated. You have your sweet ass Banana Republic suit you bought JUST for this interview. You decided to go with beige thinking that everyone else goes black, lets be different! You get to the office and sign in with the receptionist. Then you realize, you have to pee. You find the nearest bathroom and step up to the urinal, rehearsing your lines for this crucial interview. "If you asked a manager about me, they would tell you that Im a team player blah blah blah...." Then, it happens....lazer pee!! Its a phenomenon that is yet to be explained. It goes everywhere! On the floor, your pants, even your brown italian leather slip-ons...pretty much everywhere except the target. You start to panic! "What the fu*k! No!!!" Its crunch time, the interview starts at 10 and you're in the bathroom almost in tears contemplating calling the HR lady and cancelling due to "car trouble."

2. It's morning and you're at your girlfriends apt. You make your daily morning trip to the bathroom. In this situation, you dont get the luxury of a urinal to catch the 6 shooting lazers of fury! So you're still about 57% asleep at this point and you start to pee, it happens. Piss is shooting everywhere like a Pink Floyd lazer light show! All over the seat, which is manageable. But it gets all over the floor; I'm talking a puddle because you cant just stop the stream once it's started. You have to wear it and suffer the consequences. It even sprays over to the shower curtain. This lazer pee has no boundaries and it doesnt care about your feelings. So what do you do? Grab a 6 ft. long piece of toilet paper and start the clean up duties. Trust me, you NEVER get it all and you're gf will wonder what the hell is taking so long.

See, you're not alone guys........

Hey Tony, whats the point? Do you have a resolution to save us all more heartache? Why yes, yes I do. The patented "Hand Block" technique. This is something I've been working on the last year or so and Ive decided to share. This is how it works....hold penis with your left hand, shield pants with you're right. This blocks your pants but also stops excess pee from shooting 3 feet to the right and getting on the magazines. Worst case scenario, you get some on your hand. Calm down guys.....its ok!!! I'll have you know that some of the best athletes in the world pee on their own hands to prevent calluses, e.g. Mariano Rivera, Yankees Closer.....google it if you dont believe me. Plus relax, you go wash it off. I'd rather wash my hands with soap than have a panic attack in a public restroom because it looks like I pissed myself, which I did. Its also better than having to do a full out Mr. Clean on a bathroom.

Roger Goodell = Bill Lumberg

The NFL is proposing taking the season to 18 games. Basically cutting out the Pre-Season. Roger Goodell, his minions, and the owners say that they would approve of the 18 games.......SHOCKER! You mean the owners would be open to extending the season to 18 games because thats what the "fans want"? Let me get out my calculator here....(shuffles office supplies around).....MORE GAMES x MORE FANS + FOAM FINGERS + $22 BEERS + TV SHARE / 3.14 - BRAINS = MORE MONEY! More money equals more suits and more executive suites for the stadium, Yesssss. 99.8% of the NFL players are opposed to it for obvious reasons. 1. Wear and tear on the body (See Brett Favre) 2. Reduces the importance of the regular season games. More games means more losses will potentially get you in the playoffs C. How are the rookies and guys fighting for spots supposed to prove themselves with less or no preseason games? 4. The NFL is actually asking the players to take a pay cut but play more games. What is this, Office Space? "Im gonna go ahead and ask you to come in on Saturrrday....mmkay?" I'm sure that will go over just fine. So considering that there's a potential lockout next season, I'd say it might be a smart idea to do what the players ask. But what do I know, Im just a fan.....

Coming Soon.....My stadium breakdowns and the best NBA play of all time.......and it doesnt involve Jordan.

Make It Happen

I've read and heard a lot of motivational things in the past few years. Whether it be a Joel Olsteen book, work training, or a movie. What usually happens is that I get really pumped the few hours afterwards thinking I'm going to change the world, but the feeling is gone the next day or I just simply forget. Come to think of it, the same thing happens after leaving Church. The service will be awesome and full of messages that I swear are directed only to me. But by Monday, it's not even a thought. Why is that? Is it because of the constant negativity brought on by the news, bills, or anything else life can bring? Is it easier to throw in the towel and just settle for whats going on? Or is it because I'm just too tired of the constant line of obstacles that are tossed in front of me? I've always thought of myself as something more than just working for the man or giving into the common lifestyle. But it's so easy to get sucked in. This is what makes the world go round. The "normals" are chilling, living a mediocre life and settling for a job that they hate, but do it because its all they know. But then theres those that make it happen and use their knowledge of the common man, then do what it takes to make the common man's life better, therefore increasing the quality of his/her own life (write that down). These are people that know their potential and decide to take advantage of it.

This past week has been interesting. I feel that I'm right on the cusp of something big. Something life changing. Something positive. I just have to keep a positive attitude. I've come too far and I'm too awesome to not be great. My family deserves it, and so do I.

Keeping it Real......

This is me, taking the bull by the horns.

Ok, the picture above is irrelevant but I thought it was funny. The real sh*t is below......

If you dont do some deep thinking and self analyzing while listening to this song, then you need to make a trip to the wizard and ask for a soul. While listening to this, here's what going through my mind. I suggest you click play and listen along (it gets really good at about 2:17 in). Maybe even start your own list if you have the balls......



1. My daughter Mackenzi and how the first time I saw her, I was more in love with her than anything you can possibly imagine. Yes, even more than the Mavs.
2. My wife, how much i love her, and the journey we've been through and how crazy life has been the last 2 years. One of these days we're gonna look back and laugh. I promise.
3. How bad ass it would be to make a movie with this song as the ending credits.
4. How much I love and appreciate my family and friends for making me who I am today.
5. How beautiful God made the world. Outside of the concrete jungles. Unless its the Dallas Skyline at night. Cant beat it.
6. Even though things havent went as planned in my life, its just the way it is. Its all happening for a reason.
7. How awesome my Grandpa was and how I wish he were here to meet Mackenzi and Traci.
8. How insane the universe is and how we havent even scratched the surface on exploration. F*cking nuts!
9.
10. I wish that I had my boys here to play guitar while I played my drums and we made music like this.
11. Speaking of my boys, my crue. Rio, Ben, Jacob, and Daniel. I miss you f*ckers and Im glad that we lived life to the fullest while we were all together in San Marcos.
12. About how I miss that Texas sky.
13. About all the mistakes Ive made in the past but wouldnt change a thing.
14. About how thankful I am to have the mental capacity to understand and appreciate all of the things above.

Best Superbowl Halftime Show Ever

Its needs no explanation. You know exactly what it is.......Other halftime shows aim to be half as good as this one was.

Say it aint Stro's......

With the Houston Astros being my 3rd favorite MLB team, I felt obligated to write about the recent hijackings from the Al Queda's (NY and Philly) of baseball. (I also promised a good bud of mine that I would). Yes, I understand that Oswalt requested a trade. But really? The Phillies? Oh, I'm sorry it's been a whole...9 months since you've made it to the world series?! Guess you just had to go out and add another ace to the rotation. I don't even have to get into how unfair that it is for Philly to go out and throw Happ and some no names at the Astros in return for Oswalt. And Houston even paid $11 million of Oswalts salary! WTF! Its like the hooker paying you! Then theres the Berkman thing. Its that time of year again when the Yankees come a' callin'. Throwing 2 no name pitchers to Houston that will probably never get out of Round Rock or sniff Minute Maid in exchange for the face of the franchise in Berkman. Now here's why this is stupid. Berkman knows he'll be back next season, Houston is home. As a matter of fact, he's planning on crashing on Pettites couch for the few months that he's in NY. So is New York really in that bad of shape? They already have Nick Johnson (virtually the same player minus being a switch hitter) coming back from the DL but they felt the need to add Berkman too? I hate how the Wal Mart of professional baseball adds another all star to the roster for a few months just to make a title run.....again. Just to let them walk the next season (just like Philly letting Cliff Lee walk 2 seasons ago). Good for the evil empires, bad for the league.

Yankees Starters:
C Jorge Posa
1B Mark Texiera
2B Robinson Cano
SS Derek Jeter
3B Alex Rodriguez*
LF Brett Gardner
CF Curtis Granderson
RF Nick Swisher
DH Lance Berkman

Phillie Top of Rotation:
Roy Halladay
Cole Hamels
Roy Oswalt

......I just threw up in my mouth. Sick.

The Killers Live at the Royal Albert Hall

This is why live concerts are so awesome. Look how pumped everybody is! It gives me chills to see everyone rocking out together. What a great show. I need to go to a concert ASAP!