Lazer Pee

I'll give you a few scenarios guys, then you tell me if you can relate.....

1. Its Tuesday morning, 9:47 a.m. and you just showed up for your job interview at Workforthemaninacubicleyourwholelife Incorporated. You have your sweet ass Banana Republic suit you bought JUST for this interview. You decided to go with beige thinking that everyone else goes black, lets be different! You get to the office and sign in with the receptionist. Then you realize, you have to pee. You find the nearest bathroom and step up to the urinal, rehearsing your lines for this crucial interview. "If you asked a manager about me, they would tell you that Im a team player blah blah blah...." Then, it happens....lazer pee!! Its a phenomenon that is yet to be explained. It goes everywhere! On the floor, your pants, even your brown italian leather slip-ons...pretty much everywhere except the target. You start to panic! "What the fu*k! No!!!" Its crunch time, the interview starts at 10 and you're in the bathroom almost in tears contemplating calling the HR lady and cancelling due to "car trouble."

2. It's morning and you're at your girlfriends apt. You make your daily morning trip to the bathroom. In this situation, you dont get the luxury of a urinal to catch the 6 shooting lazers of fury! So you're still about 57% asleep at this point and you start to pee, it happens. Piss is shooting everywhere like a Pink Floyd lazer light show! All over the seat, which is manageable. But it gets all over the floor; I'm talking a puddle because you cant just stop the stream once it's started. You have to wear it and suffer the consequences. It even sprays over to the shower curtain. This lazer pee has no boundaries and it doesnt care about your feelings. So what do you do? Grab a 6 ft. long piece of toilet paper and start the clean up duties. Trust me, you NEVER get it all and you're gf will wonder what the hell is taking so long.

See, you're not alone guys........

Hey Tony, whats the point? Do you have a resolution to save us all more heartache? Why yes, yes I do. The patented "Hand Block" technique. This is something I've been working on the last year or so and Ive decided to share. This is how it works....hold penis with your left hand, shield pants with you're right. This blocks your pants but also stops excess pee from shooting 3 feet to the right and getting on the magazines. Worst case scenario, you get some on your hand. Calm down guys.....its ok!!! I'll have you know that some of the best athletes in the world pee on their own hands to prevent calluses, e.g. Mariano Rivera, Yankees Closer.....google it if you dont believe me. Plus relax, you go wash it off. I'd rather wash my hands with soap than have a panic attack in a public restroom because it looks like I pissed myself, which I did. Its also better than having to do a full out Mr. Clean on a bathroom.